valentine letter to my future wife

Dear Future wife,

Valentine’s day is nigh and I haven’t been busy chasing around skirts. My friends think that it is a weakness, but deep within I know it is strength because I am able to withstand the allure of nice legs and soft skin around me. Now that is a decision I have kept to myself. I hope wherever you are  keeping yourself sanctified for our bed. I know that it might be hard and if in the event you let other people chovia from our (mine) future honey pot, keep it a secret and ensure it is none of my current or future friends. As you also allow others to chovia may you also bear in mind that I wish to get married to a “historically morally clean woman” , so please keep those numbers down. So with that your history is simply your history. We will talk about it before and not after the marriage. The same manner mine should not be a topic for discussion after marriage.
Future owner of my heart; You will win my soul through wit, beauty and heart, so me thinks. I therefore do not expect any dumbness coming out of your well set mouth. I will not marry a “diva” but a woman. So a woman I will expect to have in the house. A woman fit enough to stand on Juno’s pedestal as the chief hostess of the house. In-laws will always be there . May I warn you that my father has planted so many seeds and as I write this I have seven sisters. These women will keep you on toes for hacking some of their brother’s love. I will at times sit with relish as the women in my life fight to control my life. Don’t you worry, though, for I will always protect you from their well-intentioned but vulturous tendencies. My lady I will however be grateful if you will take the onus to prove to them that you were my best choice. That will prove my point on wits; Yes, wits for I do not wish and expect to see physical scuffles between you and my siblings. So a heart of iron and a soul of St. Francis you might be forced to hold.
If I marry a beauty never should I divorce a beast; either at face value or in soul. Keep yourself young and beautiful for me. Let me feel jealous whenever we attend events and you become the center of attraction. Make me laugh when we cross the street, hand in hand and other men hit street lamps as they look behind their backs. Let other women feel jealous that you husband is always home early, in fear of getting a replacement on his bed. Keep yourself ladylike for me to brag in front of my friends. A heart of gold I hope you will have, just like my mother’s. I never slept hungry even when we lacked for my mother fed others when she had and they didn’t have and acts of reciprocation made me grow. Words of wisdom should be held. Error is to man and so should you expect of your future husband. Many as I might make, I pray that your wisdom shall be my mirror and consciousness when mine fails me. My temple of hope and care when all else fails. May you be my source of happiness and contentment in times of sorrows and despair.
I would wish to be a multi-millionaire, if not a billionaire. I am working towards that vision. My “future honey bunny” (that’s what I hear good people call each other), I hope you will not derail this dream. Modesty is Godly. No, not a Toyota Vitz modesty but a BMW 525 modesty. I will bequeath you a modest life in my future six bedroomed “castle” in wherever. That however should not be the price of our marriage. I don’t want and won’t marry a tick. So working you will, no matter how rich the benefactor is. An honest 8-5 job with no evening engagements or “out of town meetings” shall suffice. Career woman? Good, but I want a wife. Pesa ya mboga, maziwa na mkate, should be handled from your docket. A witty woman works a gritty woman provides for the household.

Future mother of my children, I hope the term motherhood will suit the bill. In the unfortunate event that one of us can’t sire we will seek alternative means. The African man that I am will however seek to get one of our own blood. And  if we can’t get ours have no fear for our bed will remain the haven of only two beings (unless you invite another). Planning not to dwell on the unspoken I believe in your fertility and though I haven’t put mine to test I won’t question it either. Our children should be held as a source of joy by us. You will be expected to treat our little children like the little sweet hearts that they will be. Yes, even if it will many a times make me jealous. Never should you allow the house-help to take over your motherly duties. As I strive to pay the school fees (I don’t plan to be poor, remember?), you should endevour to know how their uniforms and books are. As I seek to look at their school work you should  let them know that success in school or otherwise is begotten through hard work and being smart. Make  them as honest as the woman I will marry. Teach our children to respect me and I will show them how to honor you.

Your husband may not be the best but your choice to accept him will be highly regarded. Going of course is a an assurance but if it so happens provide a path back to the “pearl gates of ….” Dressing well will at times surpass my judgement. At such times say a strict no to that mix and match combination of a blue shirt, yellow tie, black trouser and white shoes. A cartoon I will be to make you amused and smiling, but whenever I overstep my boundaries forgive me beforehand. Anniversaries, birthdays and deadlines will be forgotten but humbly remind me. I hate being shouted at, even my mum knows so. I will always cherish your culinary skills. Consider me your first fan as well as critic. Take your time right now to learn how  to prepare beautiful meals. You mother is a god cook isn’t she? Mine is!

A wife I will need not a bedmate. A wife I will need not just a companion. A wife I will marry not a bride. A wedding we may do, but does it matter? Loving you I will, but you have to prove its worth. Holding you in my arms I will, but you will have to be light enough. I promise to love, to hold and cherish you for the goodness that you fully possess. Perfect you may not be but the best you will be in that pool of many.

So as you prepare for this years Valentine’s also keep in mind your fate 20 years from now. Sweet Kisses as you enjoy youself

Yours lovingly,

Thy future mate